Sigh.

Matthew Henry - Unsplash

Save. Save. Save.

Save the Instagram reel, save the Snapchat sound, save the Tiktok video that will never cross my mind again.

“How many pencils can you find in this picture? I found 9. Screenshot.

“Every girl will relate to this.” Screenshot.

“Easiest Ponytail Tutorial.” Screenshot. Yet another screenshot that will rot in my gallery.

Oh, come on, don’t judge me. I’ve been trying to learn that for so long. The average ponytail is a Herculean task. I’ve also been trying to learn about typography. It’ll make me a better video editor. Learning about subtitles will too, so I start reading the subtitle guide I found. Then something distracts me again and you know what, I’ll come back. I’ll not close the Subtitle Guide tab.

But I also want to learn how to successfully paint a wall, limewash style. And I also want to know everything about the Serengeti Migration. The names of local Ghanaian snacks. Ingredients for removing various types of stains. Alternatives for long multiplication. How to do the Heimlich Maneuver on myself to avoid choking to death in my room.

So I save to watch later, bookmark, star, pin, write down in my notes app till I’ve exhausted my capacity for the day. And tomorrow? Tomorrow the cycle repeats.

I’m tired.

Why do I have the habit of postponing till infinity? Why do you have the habit of postponing till infinity?

These things pile up and pile up, and now I’ve given my phone an eating disorder. It’s obese with junk but I still feed it until it can take no more. I still feed it because I’m trying to satisfy something. I don’t know what, but something.

I’m overstimulated. I’m overwhelmed. I’m tired.

iCloud storage is full but of what? Things I’m pining for, yearning for. And the occasional picture I take to savour the moment doesn’t count, no. A memory is never junk, no. But there’s a difference between memories and the mundane.

“I’m laughing now and I want to look back one day and see how genuine it was.” The sky is so beautiful today. I just got my first pet or piercing or Prada. Memories.

This would look good on me. I like this quote. This is soo funny, lol, ijbol, rotfl, lmao. Yess caption inspo. Wow, I never knew green and pink looked so good together. Me asf. Mundanes and memes and mood boards and just…junk.

But since my phone is full, I must be so fun, right? The more the merrier right? The more emails I’m subscribed to, the more notifications I can get in a day. Perhaps they’ll make up for the lack of notifications that I actually want. Perhaps my phone is pinging and that’s all that matters.

So I pile up followers, following, connections, contacts. I’m surrounded but how many of these people do I know? I’m not sure anymore. Are you?

When so many things are fighting for my attention, how will I not deplete my attention span? How will I know how to focus on one task and actually find it fulfilling? How will I not feel incomplete even after I complete the task? How will I not ultimately want to disappear?

I don’t even know again. I’m tired.